More todays

I have never felt grown up.  Perhaps the fact I still have a boyish face that gets carded every time I visit the liquor store plays a role in that. I try to stay young.

There are many things I've done in my life of which I'm proud.  My marriage.  My son. I heard Louis CK say once that until you have kids you don't know love. He couldn't be more right.  Yes, I would not only throw myself in front of a bus to save him, I'm throw my wife too if it'd make any difference. I hope my son will grow up knowing the depth of that love.

The full moon guides me to a ridge overlooking the city.  My footsteps crunch against the frozen ground.  Bellatrix, Rigel, Arcturus, Castor, Pollux and hundreds more stars I know not names swirl overhead.  It is nearly midnight.  The hour, the temperature, the day.  They lead to one feeling that's been too infrequent of late.  Alive.

One Cuban cigar remains from my honeymoon.  It lights easily, and I cough.  The tip glows a rich orange and the taste reminds me of campfires.  I don't know why it is my hand. I'd like to think that taste is why I brought it up here.  A taste that brings back the feeling of your elbows resting on your knees while the warmth of the fire and friends surrounds you.  That moment.  You know the one, where conversation slows late in the evening.  The flirtations, planning, updates and nothing talk is complete.  What is left has purpose.  You stare into the firelight and become for a time one with each another, the stars and the spirit.  What talk there is matters.

40.  It puts your life in rather harsh relief.  Doors close.  Some paths are simply plowed under.

I have a woman I love deeply.  A son who lights my world with joy.  A job I love.  I live in a place I love.  I've been blessed.

But damn the mundanity of it all.  Below me is a sea of glowing boxes.  Boxes where people live out their lives.  Waking, breakfast, drive to work.  Come home, cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed.  Nothingness.

"If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine. It’s lethal."

- Paulo Coelho

I try to get out there.  I try to change the world for the better and leave more value than I take.

Here's to less some days and more todays.  Here's to more dreams, more passion, more excitement.  Here's to not growing up.  Here's to living a life with purpose.  Here's to the next 40.