Friday, June 05, 2009

I'll Expect my Flat Next Week

In a scientific study The Angry Cyclist has established a strong correlation between flats and birds. I know the statistics and yet I can't help myself.

I knew something was going to happen even before he pulled up alongside of me. Somehow you always do... what is that instinct and wouldn't you think we would have found a better name for it than sixth sense?

Then I heard him. Tires slapping asphault, diesel clanging. Finally he entered my peripheral vision waaay too close. Big and white. It was a Ford Super Duty Diesel, lifted, with oversized mud tires. One foot off my shoulder and riding on the white line. Nice. Now what the heck is he going to do... I have a curb on my right and he's close enough I could freshen up my shave with the knobs of his tires.

Then he just glides past me. I'm confused. I trust my instincts more than the reality before me. Oh but he's not down the road yet... I remember the jackass in the Dodge Charger that slid in front of some cyclists downtown recently and locked up the brakes. But he doesn't pass me, instead he slows just a little. It doesn't match the flow of traffic and I consider locking up the brakes myself just to get him past me. As I think this, he starts to pull away again and just as I come even with his tailpipe (which incidentally is at head level) he guns it. Blue-black smoke envelopes me.
Ass-hat. Breaking out of the sulphuric cloud I can't stop myself and throw a standing full extension bird his way.

Smoke em if you have em
Giving mother nature the middle finger
My experience was much like this photograph only without the drag strip to provide justification. Browsing the diesel forums to come up with an illustration of my experience I was enlighted to learn that "smoking out" cyclists, pedestrians and convertibles is a popular, glorified past-time amongst diesel enthusiasts.

My favorite post, "Smoke em out! So is diesel smoke good or bad?" Really? I'm working on this... so your super power is producing diesel smoke? How do you use it for good?
  • Dramatic entrances at backyard wresting events?
  • Covering up the smell of a really bad fart?
  • Helping the President make a quick getaway ala Spy Hunter/James Bond?

Really, "is diesel smoke good or bad?" That's like asking if torture is good or bad. Oh, right. Never mind.

I'll expect my flat next week.